Team Thirteen
by PeinSaku
Summary: Sequel to Letters to Sasuke. He was an Uchiha, dang it. Just because he didn't pass his Chunin Exams before leaving the village DID NOT MAKE HIM A GENIN AT AGE TWENTY-FOUR WHEN HE FINALLY RETURNED TO SAID VILLAGE. GOD. Crack!fic.


This is only a one-shot outlining a single day. It is _meant_ to skip around, and there will be no sequal.

CRACK!-FIC, PEOPLE. AS IN, IT IS MOST LIKELY OOC. DO _NOT_ SEND ME ANGRY REVIEWS ABOUT OOC-NESS, STUPID-NESS, OR NON-LIKING-NESS. I'M NOT AN IDIOT; I KNOW THESE THINGS.

All flames will be used to cook Naruto's ramen! :D (Which I do not own, sadly...)

Oh, and, quick thing: I don't put in that whole creepy Jersey Shore lingo 'cause I like it; it's just my sad, sad attempts at being funny. I put a thing at the top of my profile that clears up some questions and comments I've been getting about some things, so check it out if you're curious. So — no mean-ness, yes?

Rated for language.

Please read and review!

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was _not_ happy.

At _all_.

Because, um, hello:

_HE WAS BACK ON A FUCKING GENIN TEAM._

He was gonna kill Tsunade. She was going to _die_.

He was an Uchiha, damn it. Just because he didn't pass his Chunin Exams before leaving the village DID NOT MAKE HIM A FUCKING GENIN AT AGE TWENTY-FOUR WHEN HE FINALLY RETURNED TO SAID VILLAGE. (After spending a couple years stuck under house-arrest and ANBU guard with his brother before even being allowed to _become_ a genin again.)

Sasuke death-glared his new "teammates" as they stared at him. They both flinched and 'eep'ed, quickly averting their eyes.

The two were each eleven-years-old (as if _that_ wasn't an ego-blow in itself; god, he was more than _twice their age_). The girl, Hoshikaze Shizuku, was short, brown-haired, blue-eyed, pale, and very quiet. The boy, Narita Haruko, was tall, lean, dark-red-haired, pale-blue-eyed, tanned, and very proud.

Sasuke, at age twenty-four, towered over them.

Now, Tsunade had _loved_ getting to tell him that he was still a Genin in front of all of his old comrades; don't get her wrong.

But that hadn't been the best part. Not by a long shot.

The _best_ part had been assigning his sensei.

And _damn_, was that awesome.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

Sasuke glared DIEDIEFLAMESGRR at the person standing before him with an unholy smirk — his brand-new sensei.

"No," he growled. "_NO_. You are _not_ going to be my teacher."

The damnable smirk widened wickedly.

"That's where you're wrong, I'm afraid, Mr. Uchiha. I _am_ your sensei. And from here on out, you will be following my orders to. The. Dot." Blatant amusement. "Is that clear, Mr. Uchiha? Perhaps we should call upon the Hokage to supervise our mission today."

Sasuke scowled, vowing to slit his new sensei's throat when he got the chance.

Sakura beamed.

"Good," she said. "Glad we're all on the same page." She whipped out a scroll, watching Sasuke's expression change with a grin as he took it in. "Our mission today: babysitting."

"Son of a _bitch_," he swore.

Yeah. _That_ would teach him to insult her and then demand that she marry him and become his baby-machine.

"What do you mean 'babysitting', Sakura-sensei?" Shizuku asked curiously.

Sasuke glanced down at the little squirt. She sounded well-disciplined, he mused. So that meant Sakura wasn't a _complete_ failure, at least.

There had been another kid on her team before Sasuke returned — a cocky little shit named Kohaku that none of them got along with. So, when the Uchiha came along, Tsunade threw the kid on another team and gave Sasuke to Sakura.

It helped out her apprentice _and_ fucked with the Uchiha, all in one. What could be better than that?

"Not exactly 'babysitting,' per se," Sakura corrected herself. "More like making sure the kid doesn't set the house on fire or stab his eye out with a fork."

"So, it's like guarding a prisoner?" Shizuku inquired.

Sakura smiled. "Precisely," she agreed. "Very early, very easy practice, mind you, but still practice."

Shizuku and Haruko exchanged an excited look, while Sasuke just glared at Sakura.

"Who's brat are we watching?" he demanded.

He didn't like the look in her eye.

Or the smirk on her face.

.

.

.

"Son of a _bitch_."

That was apparently Sasuke's new favorite phrase.

Sakura grinned.

"A-are you sure this is okay?" Hinata stammered, glancing anxiously at her son.

The little terror was an exact replica of Naruto — except his hair was dark blue and his eyes were white. He had the same spiky locks, whisker-like marks, tanned skin, mischievous grin, loud voice, and incredible stamina. Oh, yes — and the tendency to get himself into trouble.

"Oh, yeah," she agreed, waving it off. "We'll be fine; don't worry."

Naruto was barely keeping himself from laughing in Sasuke's face. Sasuke was barely keeping himself from _punching_ Naruto in the face.

"N-now, Mizore-kun," Hinata said, looking worried. "D-don't trouble your Aunt Sakura, okay? She's going to watch you f-for a little bit with her friends w-while your father and I go out." She had managed to kill her habit of stuttering ever since her son was born, but the homicidal look on Sasuke's face was bringing it back with a vengeance.

He nodded vigorously, huge grin in place.

Sasuke groaned, seriously contemplating killing himself. This could _not_ be good.

"Good luck, teme," Naruto said with a shit-eating grin, slapping his almost-brother on the back. He received a glare in return.

As he and Hinata finally left, Mizore stared up at Sasuke with incredibly wide eyes.

"Are you Sasuke-oji-san?" he asked, appearing awed.

He eyed the kid suspiciously. "Hn. What of it?"

"Otou-san told me you're a bastard with a stick so far up your ass you can probably taste it in the back of your throat. Whatever that means, but it sounds cool!"

Shizuku and Haruko exchanged wide-eyed looks. This kid was three freaking years old!

Sasuke seemed to choke, and Sakura flat-out laughed. The boy turned to his "aunt" with the most adorable expression he could muster.

"Ne, ne, Sakura-oba-chan," he said eagerly, practically bouncing in place. "Did I do good? Huh? Did I? Otou-san told me to say that to Sasuke-oji-san in front of you so you'd laugh and stuff. He said to make sure Sasuke-oji-san looked really, really angry — so, did I do good? ! Come on, did I? !"

Good _god_, he was a demon.

"OH!" His eyes lit up, and he turned back to a pissed-off Sasuke. "Otou-san said to make sure I called you 'Sasuke-baa-chan'!"

Sakura absolutely lost it. She nearly fell to the floor, eyes tearing up as she laughed her ass off. Sasuke twitched, fists clenching.

Kami hated him. That was it. There was no other explanation. Because, really, how could this get any worse?

.

.

.

Correction: How could this _not_ get any worse?

Four hours of watching Naruto's demon spawn, putting up with insults from a three-year-old that had no clue what any of them meant, dodging flying ramen noodles, helping his future wife (who was _still_ not giving in, damn it) bathe the irritating little shit, dealing with two eleven-year-olds that snickered at him behind his back, and ignoring Sakura as she laughed at his expense had taught Sasuke two things.

One — NEVER. BABYSIT. AGAIN.

Two — Things could _always_ get worse.

His second conclusion was proved right, yet again, as Sakura informed him in amusement that they were doing another mission while they had the time.

The mission?

She wouldn't say.

But whatever it was, it was bound to be worse than being "dookey-'d" on the head — in Mizore's words — by a "meanie-head bird".

.

.

.

Picking weeds out of a garden wasn't exactly Sasuke's cup of tea, but he'd deal with it —because, honestly? They could've been stuck with something like cleaning up dog crap out of the park.

And for that, he was eternally grateful.

"Alright, team," Sakura suddenly spoke up, catching their attention. Sasuke immediately decided that he _did not like_ that scary gleam in her gaze. "We have one last thing to do, today."

"Another mission?" Haruko guessed.

She beamed, eyes crinkling closed. That was a bad sign. "Not exactly," she chirped brightly, seeming to enjoy whatever she was about to say far too much. "Since Mr. Uchiha, here, has been transferred to our team" — he glared at her — "we have to go get a new team photo made!"

…

Fuck.

.

.

.

No.

Sasuke's day had been relatively nice compared to what was currently happening — because what was currently happening was nothing short of pure, undiluted hell.

"Pfft…I like it…" — snort — "…t-teme" — snigger.

He glared black flames of deadly hatred at the blond, attempting with all his might to make him spontaneously combust. Naruto held Sasuke's brand-new Team Thirteen photo.

Sakura stood at the back in the picture, wearing her jonin vest and smirking like devil's advocate. Sasuke, a good head taller than her, took up the entire left side, scowling, hands fisted, eye in mid-twitch. Shizuku and Haruko were hunched over on the right, fists covering their mouths, looking ready to explode from holding in hysterical laughter.

The entirety of the "Konoha Twelve" surrounded them, snorting and snickering over the picture. Sakura stood at Sasuke's right, arms crossed over her chest, looking very proud of herself. Even Tsunade and Shizune were there — the former smirking and the latter obviously embarrassed for her leader's attitude.

This was all because Sasuke had ducked when Sakura attempted to punch him upon his return, even though Tsunade had specifically told him in her letter not to. She'd said, "Be prepared for her to punch you in the face when you return, brat. And if you even _attempt_ to dodge it, I'll kick your ass for _that_, too."

And since he'd ignored her warning, she was getting back on him. He just _knew_ it. He wouldn't put it past the psychotic, violent Hokage — even though Sakura _had_ managed to deck him on the second try.

Stupid woman. God, she was annoying.

"I do not see what the commotion is about." Sasuke froze, taking in the surrounding people's wickedly-amused faces with one eye ticking. "I believe it is a rather fine photograph, Sasuke."

Great. Just — just, great.

Dragging his brother into it, too, now, Tsunade? HAVE YOU NO SHAME?


End file.
